"How on earth am I gonna get through this song without totally losing it?
"I could hardly sing in church when Grandma was in the congregation without completely losing my composure.
"And now I've gotta sing at her funeral?
"And it's THIS song?"
I had a little panic attack worrying about how embarrassed I'd be if my true feelings came to the surface.
And how could they not?
I mean, the odds were completely stacked against me.
Sing a solo at Grandma's funeral. Sing it in front of my big family of big criers. And sing Grandma's favorite song... "O Divine Redeemer."
A recipe for losing it if I ever saw one.
I mean, it makes sense. To remember our special Grandmother with music. One of her true joys in life. And experiencing music that taught of her truest love, the Savior, and do so with her family? I can't imagine anything that would please her more.
Well, I agreed... even though I knew that this piece, how it was composed, the way Gounod used harmony, tension, and resolve with uncommon emotional magic... would set off my own waterfall of tears... perhaps more than any other piece in this context.
But before I tell you just how much I lost it at the funeral, let me fill you in a bit more on what my Grandmother had in such abundance.
It's incredibly similar to what my Dad had in his favor when he wrote his piece, "I Believe." The piece that saved me from despair at the start of my mission (in case you missed the full story from yesterday, just tap here).
My Grandmother had an incredible facility in teaching the Gospel to us kids because she filled her mind with the Lord's words every day.
She dedicated great amounts of time to studying the Gospel. She knew many verses by heart. She could recall passages and lessons quickly. And combine that quick recall with her glowing radiant love and you really got something special. That's just who she was.
But she worked at filling her mind with the Gospel. And that became an incredible strength.
Well, it's just about the same with my Dad.
When he wrote his special piece for our Stake Youth Choir, "I Believe," he relied on his vast knowledge of the classical music repertoire.
He'd taken piano lessons all throughout his childhood. He was a music major at BYU for a bit before his mission. But that was the extent of his formal music education.
But it didn't matter. Because he had a voracious appetite for great music. He listened and studied Bach and Beethoven and Brahms and Tchaikovsky and many others.
And what he loved most of all, and what he passed on to me at a very early age, was a highly attuned emotional barometer. When those big moments came in his favorite pieces, he couldn't hold it back. This kind of sheer delight, pleasure, intensity, enlightenment poured out of him.
He didn't need a fancy degree in music. Not that a degree is a bad thing. I have 4 of them.
But because he spent so much time inside the heads of great composers. He developed very sharp instincts for what he wanted to say when he sat down to compose "I Believe."
And trust me, not even a degree can promise you those instincts.
I know MANY people who have music degrees... but who have really poor instincts for what real powerful emotional music is. And what it can do to help others.
Now, imagine what it would be like to have an organized method for filling your mind and ears and heart with the same kind of instincts.
And imagine that you had someone who could give you just enough of the technical knowledge. The craft of harmony and composition, along with a constant filling up of solid musical instincts.
That's the purpose of the Latter-Day Musivangelist Monthly Program that opens up tomorrow.
It's a place where we can come together regularly and fill your mind and heart and ears with the same kinds of instincts.
A place where you'll receive regular, detailed, practical knowledge of music harmony.
And all directed specifically at a single goal.
To compose songs and hymns and arrangements that bring the world His full revealed truth.
That's what we'll do each month... each week, even... inside the Latter-Day Musivangelist Monthly Program. I'll give you all the specifics tomorrow. But let's get back to the funeral...
So, why was I so terrified of singing Gounod's "O Divine Redeemer" at my Grandmother's funeral?
Because I knew how overwhelmingly powerful this piece is. I'd studied it inside and out. I understood every nook and cranny of its composition.
And I knew the lengths Gounod went through to produce the kind of feeling his combination of notes and harmonies takes.
There's a reason it's a favorite of many prophets. You cannot sing that song with tasting Gounod's own plea for forgiveness. It's so clear that he knew of his own sins and the hopelessness of an existence without the Savior's forgiveness.
I know that taste. I've tasted it myself many, many times. I've felt the pouring out of Christ's grace "after all that I could do" ... which... and this is an important point... all I could do was... REPENT.
And that's the name of Gounod's piece in its original form. "Repentir." The French word for "repentance."
And so, as I sang... as I did my best to hold it together... to not make eye contact with any of my weeping family members... to focus on my breathing and allowing my diaphragm to carry me up and through the high Gs and As... to portray the pleasure and pain... the two emotional sides of this miniature masterpiece...
I couldn't quite make it.
That final phrase. I just couldn't. His heart cracks. Gounod's puts his sins on the altar. Broken. Contrite.
And 4 simple words say it all...
"Help me, my Savior."
But I could only whisper through my own flood of tears.
(dang it, it happened again, can't even hardly type this now)
How do you do that?
How can little black dots on a page conjure such emotion?
Well, you're going to find out. Because we're going to study every jot and tittle of "O Divine Redeemer" during the first month of the Latter-Day Musivangelist Monthly Program. I'm going to show you exactly how Gounod managed it.
And each month thereafter, we'll dive deep into a powerful piece of music. Why? So you can fill your mind and heart and ears and instincts with the inner workings of powerful emotion-tapping music.
Full details tomorrow.
Best,
Doug